The Changing Face of Marriage

My parents were definitely the first people to teach me about God, but I did not have the typical Catholic experience. My mom was a Lutheran until I entered the first grade, so going to Church every Sunday was a special routine for me and my Dad. While my Dad was the one who took me to Church, my mother was the main influence of the other aspects of domestic church, simply because she was home with me all of the time. She (and my dad) taught me about the importance of respect, love and compassion, by showing exemplifying these qualities in their interactions with me. Besides making sure that I said my nightly prayer (I always started out with “Dear God, please take care of me, Mommy, Daddy, Ben (I guess), Mom-mom, Pop-pop, and Peanut…”), my parents taught me to love and respect others, as well as myself.

        

 I think the main con to the changing structure and composition of marriage and family is the instability for children. This is most obvious in Crosby’s family. While I was happy for his reunion with Jabar’s mother, I could not help but worry that the shifting between homes and his parents’ relationship would have a negative impact on Jabar and his future relationships (I know it’s just a TV show, but this stuff happens in real life too). A pro for the changing structure of marriage and family is acceptance, and freedom to some extent. I think more people today feel comfortable leaving dangerous or failed relationships, something that was definitely hidden in the past for fear of the stigma of divorce.

I find the news from the Pew Trust to be reassuring for my future, but worry about the many other people who are not attending college. For me, this just reaffirms the fact that I will not be rash or hasty in my decision to marry, and the age at which I get married is definitely not something that worries me, like it does for so many of my friends. I think that the domestic church is something that I would want to establish because of the positive qualities of love, respect, and compassion that it emphasizes, as well as the development of a personal relationship with God.

Dating and Marriage

I think that in the future I will be looking for a blend of what was described in the New York Times article and on the US Conference of Catholic Bishops page about marriage. For me, a successful relationship would include commitment, communication, and values, but I think that the ‘self-expansion’ element is also necessary. A relationship doesn’t need to be new and exciting all of the time, but it is important to have things to talk about and learn from one another, so that you can grow together as people. I think that this aspect of ‘self-expansion’ enhances the other ingredients for a successful relationship, because it would expand your respect and appreciation for one another, and thus commitment and communication would improve as well.

I look for exactly what I described above. I want a relationship where I am loved and respected, with someone with whom I can talk intelligently but also have fun with. There would also need to be commitment, understanding, acceptance, trust, and feelings of (not constant, but just the right amount of) happiness. I think that these qualities and expectations are really common and probably a mix of modern society (the ‘self-expansion’ and fun aspects) and Christian values. In my opinion, one of the most important things is being as comfortable with this person as you are alone, and having the right balance of give and take. I can honestly say that in the future I will not be looking for a dramatic Notebook-esque love story, but someone to be boring and content with.

Dating: What's the Point?

I think that, contrary to the anti-daters belief, there are positive aspects and a general point to dating. I do not that dating in the current social context is ‘practice for divorce,’ but rather it is the ‘hook-up culture’ that can lead to failure in future relationships. I think that dating is sort of a practice for marriage; you learn to care deeply about another person, as well as figuring out what qualities you look for in a long-term partner, and what you need from/contribute to a relationship.

Because of this, I think that the anti-daters are harming their future relationships. By refusing to date except under the expectation of marriage, they miss out on relationships or even friendships that can help them to learn more about themselves and what they want out of life. To me, it seems unrealistic (and kind of strange) to go into every relationship expecting marriage, especially in high school or in the first few years of college. Because we are still getting to know and understand ourselves, we change a lot during this time, and so what we expect from/give to relationships will change.

Along with the anti-daters, the ‘hook-up culture’ is also detrimental to future relationships. Although the meaning of the term ‘hook-up’ is unclear, it seems damaging to self-esteem, especially for the girls. The women in the Busted Halo article all mentioned how although they wanted a phone call/text after the ‘hook-up,’ they hardly ever received one. This turns special aspects of committed relationships into something casual and emotionless, and kind of debases its importance. I think that the loss of emotional connection in these physical expressions of love has caused many people to stray in relationships, and is a reason that the anti-daters (though crazy) have begun to see even dating (a really positive thing) as ‘practice for divorce.’

In the experience of my contemporaries and myself, I think that dating is beneficial. I agree with what Freitas and King say, we learn more about ourselves, learn to care about others, and grow as people. Dating is a wonderful way to get to know another person, and to grow to care about them in a special way.

Some say love...

Each of my favorite love songs (or the first ones to show up on my iTunes shuffle) emphasizes a different characteristic of love that I find important. One of my favorite cheesy love songs, “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson, is about exactly what the title suggests. She sings about how she is so in love with her significant other because he loves her exactly the way she is. That’s probably the characteristic I find most important. I think that being able to be yourself around your significant other is the first step to a successful relationship, because if you don’t really know each other then you can’t be in love. In Taylor Swift’s song “Ours” she sings about being able to love the not so pretty things, such as his tattoos or the gaps between his teeth, because she loves the whole person. Being able to love and appreciate the other person despite their flaws is a key characteristic of love.

A newer love song, “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz, emphasizes the importance of commitment. He sings about the important of always being present and supportive of the other person, while still respecting their space. I think that this is probably the most challenging aspect of love, because as Maroon 5 sings in my favorite line of their song “She Will Be Loved,” “It’s not always rainbows and butterflies / it’s compromise that moves us along.” Both of these songs highlight the disagreements and problems that arise in relationships, and remind us of the commitment needed to conquer these problems.

In the article “Stop Looking for Your Soul Mate,” they warn against exactly what Taylor Swift sings about in her song “Love Story.” Swift tells about a Romeo and Juliet with a happy ending (opposed to the original), where all Juliet has to do is “say yes” and the love story will be hers. Busted Halo’s article says the opposite, emphasizing the problems that follow such naïve attitudes about love, and even says that perhaps we should stop looking for our own Romeos. I’m not sure how I feel about the quest for soul mates after reading this article and comparing it to music and our current culture, but all I know is that everyone should just look for the person that makes them happy.

Little Women

Describe your experience growing up... what toys did you play with? 

Growing up, I was a huge fan of Barbie dolls. I received at least one on every holiday, with clothes and accessories to match. This greatly upset some members of my family, such as my aunt, who never allowed her own daughter to have a Barbie doll. At the time, I did not understand why my Aunt Mary would never buy me the Barbie doll I asked for, although now I appreciate that she stood her ground on the subject.

Were limitations set by your family on what toys or shows you could watch? 

Though my parents allowed me to play with Barbies, they did not allow me to watch shows they felt were too inappropriate for my age. While many of my friends were chatting about Gossip Girl in seventh grade, I was not allowed to watch the show. I remember sitting with my friends at recess one day and being shocked at the things in the show that they were describing and embarrassed that I couldn’t watch the show (based on their descriptions of the plot, I didn’t really want to, it just seemed like the “normal/cool” thing to do).

How do you think your exposure to suggestive images or shows has affected your self-understanding and self esteem? 

I think that the suggestive images and/or shows that I have seen have negatively affected in my self-esteem. Although I try to portray myself as independent and secure, I have always had really low self-esteem. I easily compare myself to others, especially in regards to things that do not really matter, such as physical appearance. I think part of this comes from the media; I noticed at a young age that all of the girls on TV with seemingly great lives full of friends, cute crushes, and parties, were a lot skinnier and physically prettier than I was, and it was hard on my self-esteem when I compared myself to them.

Finally, how has your experience at an all-girls Catholic school affected/counteracted the messages you receive from the media? 

I think that being at an all-girls Catholic school has somewhat balanced out the messages that I have received from the media in two ways. In the shows that I watched on TV growing up, everyone looked perfect and made up all the time. This was true to some extent in my co-ed grade school, where many of the girls tried to see how much makeup they could get away with before they were sent to the bathroom to wash their faces off. Mount has shown me that I do not need to look "perfect" because my personality and academic drive will be what the other students notice about me, rather than my hair or constant lack of makeup. I plan to take this with me to college, although I will probably start brushing my hair once I get there, just to look presentable in class. 

Sources of My Identity

When my best friend met my grade school friends, literally the first question asked was “how in the world does this work?” The confusion is understandable; although we all have grown up within half a mile of one another, we have very (very) little in common personality wise. However, I think it has made us closer because each of us has a defined role in the group. I am the rational/brainy one; my friends know to call me for advice or help with schoolwork. Some of the other roles are: hopeless romantic, fitness addict, celebrity devotee, wild child, fashion expert, and sunny optimist. Whenever any of us needs something, we know that there is a member of our friend group who can help us out. Moving onto high school with a reliable group of friends (sisters) behind me made the transition so much easier, and knowing that I can call any of them at any time during the transition to college will be helpful as well. Having these girls in my life has made me a more reliable friend and more trusting person.

The only reason that I show up to my menial job as a waitress in a retirement living facility is because of one ninety-year-old woman, whom I call Yoyo. She is one of my favorite people in the world, both because of her strength and because of her sense of humor. Yoyo had a hard life; she watched her daughter, then her husband, die of cancer, but she works to maintain her humor despite these tragedies. Every night, Yoyo makes sarcastic and outlandish requests for dinner, and I call her out on it. Later on in the evening, if I finish my work early, my boss and I go to sit with her and her three best friends at their table and we make fun of one another. Yoyo has taught me to not only sharpen my wit and quicken my sarcastic replies, but also to value the smaller things in life, like a hug or a smile. As she left the dining room tonight, she asked if I was working tomorrow, and when I unhappily replied that I was, she said “Good, I’ll see you then. I miss you.” It was such a simple phrase, but it made my night.

From the third day of my life onwards, I have lived in Philadelphia. Although my parents avoided taking me downtown during my childhood at all costs (they claim that old people like themselves hate crowds and traffic), my hometown has had a big impact on my life in recent years. Taking the train downtown by myself was a truly liberating experience, I saw for the first time how independent and resourceful I can be. These (sometimes scary) public transit adventures into the city for service projects and a summer volunteer program/internship at CHOP showed me how truly different life can be for residents of the same city. This realization is one of the reasons why I fell in love with the University of Pennsylvania, where I will be a student next year. Penn offers me the opportunity to stay and help change my hometown for the better through projects aimed at improving the community of West Philadelphia and the city as a whole, along with intense academic challenges. Though my hometown had an impact on my past experiences, I absolutely cannot wait to see how it shapes my future.